"Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?"

This blog is in response to the question Boyd K. Packer posed after he rejected the idea that same-sex attraction is born in homosexuals. "Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?" After reading this the first thing that popped into my head was "Why wouldn't he?". I guess thats what it comes down to in my head.

I was raised in the Mormon church and yet since I can remember, I can honestly say, I have always been attracted to the same sex. It wasn't some choice I made. Its just always how I have felt. So I guess some would say maybe the parent failed in their duties to make sure I was on the right path. My mother was a single parent raising me and I believe she did a good job with the situation we were given. She gave me unconditional love. Others might say it was the environment I was raised in. Well I was raised in a predominately white Mormon community in Idaho. If there was ever an environment that should breed straight people, you would think that would be the environment to choose. Yes, I did hang around a lot of non-Mormon people, but that was because not a lot of Mormon kids my age were friends with me. I was a poor fat white child who was constantly picked on by my peers, so of course I was friends with the people that accepted me. Yet there is nothing about that either that should have influenced me to be gay. This happens to kids all around the country straight or gay.

Until I was in my early twenties, I had not even met another person that I knew for sure was gay. I had always felt like I was alone in my feeling towards the same sex until that point. I remember asking myself constantly "Why do I feel this way?" At the time it greatly upset me. I felt I had to play a "straight role" so that I wouldn't be picked on more than I already was, especially in Junior High and High School. (I apparently failed at this though hehehe) I remember praying to God that he would help me feel differently. I just wanted to be what I thought was normal at the time. If it was truly a choice I should have been able to just switch back. I even wanted to go on a Mormon mission because I believed being surrounded by God's teachings twenty four hours a day would help me change myself. It didn't.

Finally I moved to a town in Idaho where there was actually a bit of a gay community and found that I was in a place where I felt I was accepted. I finally realized that this is just how I was. I had tried for literally years being what the people in the Mormon church wanted me to be. I was miserable and unhappy. I had low self esteem. Yet when I found others who felt the way I did, all that changed. Other than my mother's love, I have never felt such strength and support than I did when I came out in this community. I never had as many friends as I do now. Friends that show me unconditional love. They don't judge me because of my weight or my sexual orientation, or expect me to be something that I am not.

So to answer Boyd K Packer's question I say this. Children are born every day and some children are born with certain obstacles. Obstacles that may carry over into adulthood and they have to struggle with on a daily basis whether they be mental or physical. So why not be born with a predisposition towards a same sex orientation? Why would Heavenly Father allow someone to be born with cerebral palsy? Why would Heavenly Father allow someone to be born with learning problems? I do believe in God and I do believe he would do this to test us. Not only the people who are born gay, but to test those people around them. I believe he loves all of us, but he never wanted us to have it easy here on Earth. If he did he would have gone with Lucifer's plan and we wouldn't have free agency.

Now I can hear some people say "Well Heavenly Father wouldn't do something to us that is inherently evil." Being attracted to the same-sex is not evil. How we conduct our lives because of that is our own doing, whether it be good or evil. Using the Ten Commandments as a guide. I have violated a couple of the commandments. One being adultery, the other the lord's name in vain. Lets face it, there are straight people violating the same commandments as me and way more frequently. There is no eleventh commandment where it says "You shall not be homosexual in nature." Also In John 3:16 it says that God so loved the world that whosoever believes in his only begotten son shall not perish but have everlasting life. It doesnt say "...except for the homosexuals."

All anti-gay scriptures talk about man lying down with man being a perversion. Yet what context was this given in? In generally the same place in the bible, if not in the same line of scripture, it talks about prostitution being immoral and a perversion. How come then doesn't the Mormon church rail against prostitutes getting married or that are married and still keeping up the practice? Is the fact that female prostitutes predominately have male-female relations, make it more acceptable? When is the last time you heard about a speaker at General Conference devoting his talk to the sins of prostitution? What it comes down to, according to the Bible, is adultery. I guarantee that there are gay Christians who would love to not be violating this commandment if they could be married. You may even find that there are those who would wait until after they are married to have sex, if they could. Unfortunately there is no option to see if this theory is correct....currently.

As it is, I have yet to find a scripture where it is said that it a sin to have an attraction to the same sex. People are going to have "impure" thoughts and feelings whether they be straight or gay. What they choose to do with those thoughts is really what matters. As far as Boyd K. Packer saying same sex attraction is "unnatural"...well all I can say is that he better have a look at the what is being taught at BYU-Idaho. When I was going to that school,(at the time it was Ricks College) we were taught in one of my biology classes, that given certain circumstances, some species of animals will turn to homosexuality in cases of over population to control their numbers, or in the absence of the opposite sex in the population, share genetic material with a same sex member to reproduce. So then what is homosexuality? Natural or unnatural. You have to say natural because there are hundreds of species of animals that are documented to have homosexual tendencies (meaning not just sexual encounters but affection and partnership with members of the same sex). You also have to say it is born in them because they do not have our cognitive ability to say that animals choose to do it. Its their bred in instict. If they weren't born with the instinct you simply wouldn't see it. Can you imagine someone saying that animals were sinning because they chose to do it? Nope. The idea of an animal hell is ridiculous, if not also humorous.

God loves us. God wants to test us. There are no limits on how he is going to test us. When Boyd K Packer asked "Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?", to me, he implied that God wouldn't, and that puts a limit on how God would choose to test us. That is not his right to do. We do not know, and in a lot of cases are not supposed to know, why and what God has in store for us. That is for us to figure out individually.

So what is a gay person, who believes in God, supposed to do? For me, I try and keep as many of the Ten Commandments as possible. I falter and sin just as straight people do. I try to live my life as a good, charitable person who tries to show unconditional, "Christ-like" love to everyone. Even though I do not agree with what some people say about the glbt community, including Boyd K Packer and the Mormon Church, I do not hate them for saying it. Sure, I feel disappointed, but I believe that there is a lack of understanding on their part perhaps. Whether that is because they do not want to understand or have not had the opportunity to, I do not know. However if they actually took the time to speak with some of the gay community that grew up in the Mormon church, I feel they would find most, if not all, of us have felt this way as long as we can remember and that there was no conscious decision to be gay.

In light of all the recent gay teen suicides, I would hope that at least religious leaders would feel compassion and try to see what can be done to help teens who have always felt the way they do about their sexuality. Churches should be showing unconditional love instead of making people feel that they are evil and horrible. You would think, given Mormon history, that they would understand what it is like to have people not understand just who you are and how you feel. If I was given a choice to be gay or straight, back when I was going through puberty, I might have chosen to be straight. I would have avoided all the personal turmoil I went through. I wouldn't have felt so alone and cried so much because, at the time, I felt like I was some hideous being because I was different. I certainly didn't choose to be this way. Who would choose to be picked on, hated, and made to feel less of a human being because of who they were attracted to?

I am glad I have accepted who I am now though. I am a much stronger person because of what I have gone through. I have a lot of compassion towards people in general and I don't generally judge people because of what they are. My only wish is that people would soften their hearts and not let fear and hate cloud their judgement of people who are different from themselves. This wish is not only for people who are "anti-gay" but also for the GLBT community as well. I have read the backlash and get a sense of resentment and hate directed back at Packer and the Mormon church. Unfortunately, it seems to be an ugly cycle back and forth. If you want someone to understand you and support you, you don't attack them for what they say or believe. What you should do is show by example. Show that you are compassionate and understanding and you will get it in return. If you don't get those things back, then you let it go, because trying for force someone else into understanding those things will only lead to hardened hearts and resentment.

I would like to take a moment to say my heart goes out to the friends and family of those gay teens who have committed suicide. I understand the loneliness and despair. Life as a gay person is rough. My advice to those who are struggling is to find help. Many communities have glbt organizations who are willing to give you the help and support you need. Don't forget to return the help when you are able to. In time you will find that you have many friends who love you and accept you for who you are.

I love my straight, gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender friends in the community. They have shown me a great deal of love and have helped me out when times were tough. I wouldn't trade these friends for the world. I truly believe that my friends are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

You Must Watch! NOW!!!!

This is the Act 1 Scene 1 of A Very Potter Musical...I have watched the entire Musical like 10 times...its brilliant..hilarious..visually orgasmic...ok that last one wasn't very accurate but the guy who plays Lord Voldemort is HAWT! If you like this vid search for A Very Potter Musical on YouTube to get the entire playlist...the sequel is coming soon to the channel, so go subscribe to StarKidPotter on Youtube so you can see the sequel when it gets uploaded.

Da Bitch Is Back!

I haven't exactly been all there for the last ten months. However, it seems having a lawsuit against you for 72k will tend to wake you up. I have moved in with a friend and mentally I am a lot happier with my life. I am so excited to be living with friends and actually socializing. So much weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am gonna try and get in a routine of posting at least something each day, whether it be a picture of something of a video. I am also gonna try to post a summary of the weeks events on Saturdays or Sundays. Once I get my webcam back up I might do that in the form of a vlog and post it here. So I have thought of some theme days for what I post. Monday Fails. Tuesday Teehee's. Wednesday Boogie. Thursday Thoughts. Freakfest Friday. The weekends will be for the things that catch my eye. Course if something grabs me and it doesn't fit in for the day I will throw it in anyway. I am just trying to give myself something to look forward to doing everyday and get in a routine. I am so excited and I am happier than I have been in a couple of years. Thanks to my friends who have bookmarked my blog and keep pestering me about when I am gonna update it.

Bitch Kisses,

Josh

Videos That Make Me Dance -Ricki Lee "Can't Touch It"

I stumbled across this video and love the beat. Its a sassy little song and the girl who sings it can wail.

Vampires that SPARKLE!!!!!! Nuh uh.

I haven't read the Twilight books yet. Mormon authors tend to freak me out a bit. I have failed to ask any of my Mormon relatives if any of the books can be found in Deseret Bookstores. I kinda doubt it. I have, in fact, watched the movie. Male brooding dark vampire. Original. Girl who falls in love with vampire. Very Original. Distant and seemingly un-attentive parents. So original I can't stand it. Idiotic name for the town....Forks...ranks up there with Sunnydale.

So I guess there is nothing new here. I can deal with all this because A) The guys in the movie are EFFIN HAWT...although a couple are probably not legal. B) Its not like ...Rawr slash and feed.. so its got a plot line of sorts. I like that the action isn't the total focus of the movie. C) Its at least a different perspective on vampires. So here is what I can't handle.

First feeding on animals instead of humans is not like being a vegetarian. Sorry I am sure PETA would agree. Besides the fact that it still means you are still fundamentally a carnivore. I am sure a lion ((which omg the biblical reference is amazing in this movie and story)) doesnt consider feeding on a gazelle instead of a human vegetarian like, or vice versa. The fact Edward even compares it to being a vegetarian irks me so strongly that I want to hurt something. Next I come to the part I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE about Twilight Vampires. VAMPIRES SHOULD NEVER SPARKLE. Leave that to the Drag Queens, cheerleaders and Disco balls. Its like having DayGlo colored Zombies and Werewolves that take the form of poodles. It just doesn't happen. I can handle a "daywalker" as in Blade but there was at least a reason for it. ((Sometime though I will rant about the use of silver in that movie)) I like my vampires to explode into flames when they hit sunlight. They are the science fictional Damned. Their whole reason for being is to strike fear into the hearts of mortals. Instead these vampires make you wanna break out Abba when sunlight touches their skin. It doesn't serve a purpose. I know people could argue that but I mean.. Why? Every other aspect of them being vampires in the movie serves a predatory function except the sparkling. Man its JUST TOO GAY, EVEN FOR ME!!!! If in some fucked up alternate universe Sparkly Vampires did exist it would just make me want to hunt them down and make a shiny sparkly flesh coat out of their skin. Silence of the Lambs eat your heart out....wait.......

In Memory of Michael Jackson

So usually I hate to follow along in the trends of the moment and no doubt there are a few hundred thousand memorial blogs for Michael if not millions. I usually wait til everything dies down before writing out my feelings. However this is not one of those times and if my mom was alive she would be bugging me to do one. Not to mention making her a cd of MJ's music. No doubt had my mom been alive she would have been at the start of a week long cry-fest. My Mom was truly a super fan. I think we personally bought at least five Thriller cassettes because me and my mom wore them out so fast. She always thought Michael was so mistreated as a child and even through his weirdness and accusations she loved him. Of course my mom knew what unconditional love really is. If my mom could have changed his childhood to make it happier and have shielded him from all the things that caused him pain she would have. She didn't care if the child abuse accusations were true. She always said you can't stop loving someone because they have sinned and messed up. Thats all the more reason to help them and love them. She taught me to love someone truly is to accept them for all their faults and mistakes. She would always say 'Hate the sin not the sinner'. Love doesnt judge or make conditions. From what I can tell mom loved Michael way before she had me.

I still have 8 tracks of the early Jackson 5 albums that it looks like my mom put a lot of use to. My grandparents never had any motown-esque music. It was all religious music but I dont even think they had records in their house before my mom and I moved back in with them when grandma got sick with breast cancer. I remember my grandpa liking country as I got older but he never liked me playing Michael Jackson. I think it was a sign of the times and maybe my grandparents attitudes towards minorities. I am glad I had a progressive mom though. Idaho is predominantly Caucasian. In the 60's my mom was dating my father, who was hispanic, after she found an apartment of her own. I can tell by her records, 8tracks and cassettes this is when her music library started. Its full of all types of music. Rock, Motown, Rythmn and Blues, Pop, Country.....its weird to me that she has Pink Floyd. Anyway so she was very progressive for the area she lived in and the times. I am glad she was that way though. It must have been hard for her. My grandma apparently had voiced her displeasure for my mom's choice of boyfriend, music and getting pregnant with me out of wedlock. Mom said Grandma journaled about me, the half white childe, but she never went into detail to "sheild me" she said. It makes me sad that my mom had to put up with this from my grandma. I figure my grandparents were a bit racist. I am glad my mom was able to teach me otherwise, especially through music.

The Thriller album is the first music cassette I ever owned. The Thriller video is the first music video I had nightmares over =P. I remember singing Human Nature, Billie Jean and PYT with my mom as we did dishes, or laundry, or lots of chores. Then my mom would attempt to dance.....oy. My mom had double bubble JLO booty back in the day...not to mention a rack she had to special order bras for.....so you can imagine my embarrassment over her dancing. Occassionally though she would just grab my arms and we would just swing around to the music of that album. Ok I have to stop its making me cry a bit. Its like a little more of my past died again when Michael died. I still have his music though. I will always cherish the good times I had with my mother listening to his music. Mom if you read this...take care of Michael in heaven....that is if you dont scare him with a high pitched scream and run at him with your immense rack in an attempt to hug him. Love Ya Mom and MJ.. RIP

Songs That Make Me Remember. Michael Jackson -"Human Nature"

Ok so here is my favorite Michael Jackson song. See above for my MJ memorial blog.

Videos That Make Me Dance -Kat DeLuna "Calling You"

Love this song, it makes me chair dance when I am playing around on my computer. She has an amazing voice and its a catchy song I love to sing along with.

Oh What A Beautiful Morning!!!! Ow Pain!!!

So ok. I thought to myself this morning... "Shaquita..(that is what I call myself)... it is a wonderful sunny morning you need to go pay a bill and the Cable One office is just around the corner...you should get your fat ass up and walk over and pay your bill!" I was all invigorated with pep and vigor, so at 7:45am I put on my cross trainers, did a few stretches and started on my trek to pay my bill. I walked through the complex hit the side walk and the birds were chirping the air was nice and crisp, the sun kissed my skin as I heel toe'd it around the corner and I could see the Cable One sign. I was all YES! I can exercise..look at me I am getting healthy. It was this instant that my back said "Bitch what the fuck do you think you are doing?" My knee proclaimed "Bitch you are one crazy mofo!" I hit what marathon runners call "the wall". I could still see my house from where I was and became a bit discouraged.

I sat on the decorative wall that surrounds the HOA and thought there is no way in hell I am gonna get there and back. Then a little voice inside me said "You have to go. They turned your service off this morning you can make it!". I stood up and marched my way through pain and self doubt down the side walk and made it to the Cable One office. I turned around and raised my hands like Rocky proclaiming victory after he ran up those stairs. I didn't dare bounce up and down though for fear my man boobs would knock me out. Apollo Creed has nothing on my moobs. I turned back around and faced the door and went to pull it open AND............. LOCKED!!!!!! Ain't life a bitch. It was in fact 8am according to the bank sign across the street, however I neglected to find out that they didn't open until 8:30am.

I still had a surge of happiness that I had accomplished half my goal. So I sat down in front of Cable One and waited. Of course my next action was to smoke, I mean I like fresh air and all but come on my knee and back were angry with me. Nothing a little nicotine couldn't fix. So I sat and waited until they opened. Half an hour later a nice lady opened the door and let em in. The lady, I paid my bill to, asked me where my car was. I said I didn't have a car. Then she was polite enough to say "Well if you would like to wait for your ride there is a seat over there." I had a moment where I could have punched her, but I shrugged it off and proclaimed, "I didn't get a ride over, I walked." with a beaming smile. The stank ass bitch looked me up and down and had the nerve to say "Oh" in a tone that said, "Without a doctors approval or anything, fatass?". I ignored this. No one could take this sense of accomplishment away from me.

I took my receipt and headed out the door and began the march back home. I was so proud that it filled me with enough energy to get all the way back to the complex and back into the carport area. It was then I hit the second "wall" as I saw the gate to my back patio. My back said "Bitch I am DONE WITH YOU!" and my knee said "Ditto!". I hobbled those last few yards and trudged into my house and vowed that I wasn't gonna do that every month. I did also vow though to go for short walks around the complex, in the early morning and evening, to build up some endurance. Right now, I am sitting and listening to my body scream but it actually feels good. I am glad that I did it even though my body isn't. It makes me think I can do anything I put my mind to if I want to bad enough. I just gotta make a habit of wanting to do more and being less lazy. Now for some breakfast!!!!

Strip Show @ Charley's

A slide show of the fun night I had with my friends at Club Charley's in Pocatello